Father and I have been conversing about trust for quite sometime. Or it may be more accurate to say, Father has been pointing out truths about trust, and I have been arguing back and forth with myself. My thought processes and actions regarding trusting Father vacillate following illogical patterns that James describes all to well… a double minded man unstable in all his ways, tossed like waves on the ocean (my paraphrase).
So I have many questions, but no real answers as to why this dichotomy exists, other than what Leif Hetland says, “Deception is deceiving”. If we let deception infiltrate one area, it will spread and gnaw away at others. Deception grows. However, the sword of the Spirit pierces the lies and darkness to reveal Father’s truth and light. Facing the deception unsettles us. But we need to be unsettled – at least I do.
The ugly facts brought to light by Father were I trust Him for salvation of my eternal soul; I am growing in my trust in His healing and divine health; and I am growing in my trust of His divine protection. However, I don’t really, deep down trust Him to meet my physical needs. I find it very difficult to ask for financial blessings and favor. I don’t really believe that Father wants to open the storehouse of heaven and pour blessings upon me. I have the religious mindset of getting it the old fashioned way – I must earn it. And if I don’t continually struggle to keep earning it, then disaster will strike.
I don’t know when or how I will get to that place of trusting Father completely in this area. I know that I don’t want to continue with a schizophrenic belief system. My desire to live the supernatural life style, which is the normal Christian life, has not waned. My heart’s desire is to walk constantly immersed in His presence. But there exists a level of trust that for some reason I am hesitant to cross. However, I know the author and finisher of my faith. He never removes his hand from me. What He started, He will finish.